[song? i think i'll be okay- bayside][mood? content]

I might never be artsy, like making all my own original jewelry. I couldn't ever be the most fashionable, because a whole workday in heels is impossible. I don't know anything about trendy underground music, and don't care that you knew about them before they got big. I won't ever have a nicer car than you. I'll don't have any talents to show off or instruments I can play at your party.

And all of this, I've come to terms with.
Because my life is so rich in love, it's bound to be lacking elsewhere.
I can't ever complain because being trendy, or having money, or leading the type of life that other people envy- they aren't as important to me as having this wealth of love.
Externally, I don't think I have a lot worth being envious of. I have a mediocre job that I spend most of my time at. I'm a community college student with an average GPA. I rent a room because I can't afford an apartment.

But if you could see how much I love my family, my friends, and my boyfriend, and how much they love me in return, you'd be jealous.

[song? devotion and desire- bayside ][mood? reflective]

it's been a while.
here's what i've been thinkin lately.

young people are immature, selfish, and irresponsible. they shouldn't have children. biology really fucks us sometimes. it allows people who are emotionally & financially immature in today's society to reproduce, when long ago it would have helped us survive, and today, only hurts us as a whole.

maybe everyone should just love. and be loved.

to people who are depressed or unhappy- do something to make yourself happy. don't cry to me that you're lonely if you're also out of shape and not looking for a job. what i mean is, i'm tired of people complaining before they've done everything in their power to change the circumstance.

parents are everything. parents have the power to fuck up or empower children. people are not equipped to be parents until they're ready to be selfless, supportive, and attentive. this means plenty of time to be wild and young, an education, and a career that will provide for the child's future as well as it's immediate needs. i really wish teenagers would stop procreating.

[song? californication]
[mood? reminiscent]

sometimes its really not the accuracy of the memory. it's the feeling the memory brings about in you.

the first day i heard dani california by rhcp i found out i was leaving california. i remember feeling like the part of my heart that had been completed by finding love and happiness there had just been torn out.

i remember the day i was shrooming and walking down wentworth ave to my friends house... coming down and thinking about leo. i felt this love swell in my heart and it felt like my chest was going to explode from complete happiness.

i remember coming back to jersey and feeling these horrible hooks through my shoulderblades for months like i was being physically torn, dwelling on all the love lost in cali.

i remember when i was introducing some 25 year old guy that i was gunna go party with to my mom as my friend's dad... and feeling free and reckless and stupid.

i remember when brittni sat in my room crying and asking me why life was so hard.... and realizing that my life would never be as difficult as hers, and that i had to do the best i could to help people who didnt have it as good.

they're all overwhelming feelings attached to memories. feelings i never want to forget because they changed my life and the way i see the world.

[song? wrong line by jupiter one]
[mood? relaxxed]

just chugged a cocaine.
i'm relaxed now but i'm about to be hyper.
so.
this blog is back.

i did xanga.
and then that died.
i realized i was just creating this persona to please my readers.
i had started to keep a journal.
but i realize that this can be my journal.
i started out on blogger, && i'll end up on blogger.
it's love.

except i've truly changed as a person since i last decided to post here.
i grew up. my life has changed and so have my priorities.
fuck being a victim, and letting life just happen to you.
i'm going to be a good person. i'm going to take responsibility for the things i do.
a mistake isnt a mistake if you knew better before it happened.
&& i want to change the world.
[[just like every other fucking teenager]]

as of right now, i dont know exactly what i want.
i know that i'm happy. life might be mediocre, but i have amazing things to be thankful for and to look forward to, so i refuse to ever be unhappy in my life.
the world is a horrible place, but so much everyday good is overlooked & overshadowed by the terrible, unjust things that happen.

i live back in new jersey now, && i've got a great boyfriend and a great bestfriend here. but i will always miss california. when i moved there, i was pissed because i thought i moved into a low class, white trash town. and i did. but i had no right to judge the people there, because they're the most amazing people i've ever met. never have i felt to accepted without judgment or met people who were as sincere and fun-loving. i pity the people who will judge them without ever getting to know them like i almost did.

so that's a little of what i think and why i think it.
peace&&love.

its been a while.

[song? "finding out love is blind"- louis xiv]
[mood? meh. dunno.]

its been a while since i've blogged. i got all wrapped up in xanga.

wow... i've been looking at all my old posts. shiit. i've changed so much since then. it's ridiculous. it's almost scary.

i realize how much less nice i am now. now, i'm only nice to people who i think deserve it. i'm not as arrogant, but thats because i don't have as much reason to be anymore. i think i'm getting a few B's this semester. i have so many more temptations now. i'm not so innocent anymore. (was i really ever that innocent, though?) i'm more moody. more judgemental. i dunno. to be honest, i wish i was the way i used to be. oh well.

brit just called me up. she had a quote for me. i told her a while ago that i didnt like who i've become. the quote was

"The fastest way to ruin your life is to live for today at the cost of tomorrow."

yeah, thats my new motto. it's too true. after she told it to me, she said she wanted me to think of that every time i was going to do something that i might find regrettable.

yeah. eh. whateva. i think i'll be blogging here more often. i like the fact that i have no readers anymore. there's less pressure.. lol.

[song? awakening... i forget who its by.]
[mood? bored]

well... i've decided to give xanga a try. if you want my xanga, im me. if i dont hate you, i'll give the url. heh.

i may come back to blogger. i may not. its weird... i feel a type of loyalty to blogger. i mean, it's been with me through everything. my good times, my bad times, my crazy times. i wonder if i'll really leave it..... nah. i wont. if anything, i'll just post less.... and keep them both. yeah... thats what i'll do. :)

well... on to xanga. catch ya later.

[song? bleeding mascara- atreyu]
[mood? eh.]

okay. so valentines day wasnt as bad as it could have been. i got a candy gram. kayleen went up to craig and told him that i liked him. he already knew. i thought brittni was joking when she said he already knew. so yeah... when i saw kayleen going to tell him, i ran. i've never run so fast in my life... they only caught me after surrounding me and stealing my bookbag... i wouldnt have come back for it if my cell phone hadnt been in it. but craig didnt care. kayleen said he said i was cool. or that he liked me or something. brittni said the same thing. but... they lie. i think. whatever. it just... wasnt as bad as it could have been.

i feel bad for brittni though. she doesnt have a valentine... and she's grounded. and we're not sure if danny actually likes her, or if hes doing it to prove to craig that he could have her if he wanted. poor craig. -sigh-

well... i think brittni and craig are making me racist. lmfao. nah, i kid. its just easy to see their point. in new jersey, no one even brings up that subject. but here, its like, we're proud to be white, and we wont take shit from anyone who isnt. i've never been exposed to their kind of thinking. they dont actually mean it, but they do it for the reputation. it doesnt stop them from being friends with jeremy or marcus. but... it does make them seem pretty badass. lol...

i cant wait til this weekend. brittni better not get another day of grounding. or else my weekend will be ruined too. i already have to go to this stupid barbeque on saturday. but... maybe hot guys will be there. lisa did say she had a son. ;)

oh well. happy valentine's day... or as kelly likes to call it, Single Awareness Day... -sigh-

[song? down with the sickness- disturbed]
[mood? i dont know...]

god.. i hate valentines day. i hate it. fuck valentines day. fuck valentines day. fuck valentines day.

okay. so yeah. anyway, brittni was here yesterday and today. yesterday, we just fucked around. and then we finally got bored as fuck and called craig. but that shithead was at the mall... so brittni called danny- craig's 17 year old brother. it was funny. danny wants brittni too. so he finally got picked up, and then brittni called him and they had phone sex, while i tried to sleep, until like... four in the morning. it was so fucking funny. brittni woke me up cuz i was 'moaning' in my sleep. lmfao... they kept teasing me about craig, so i said that danny smelled like a nigger. lmfao. he was so pissed today. he's really scary. even though craig is bigger than him, danny is scary as hellll. hes a silent and broody.. he doesnt take shit from anyone. but luckily for me, neither of them hit girls... or else they would have beaten me so badly a loong time ago. yeah. so that was yesterday.

today, brittni was being an idiot, and she thought it was craig or danny calling, so when she picked up the phone, she was like, 'motherfucker! oh... hi mom.' her mom got pissed and brittni got grounded. so we made up this lie, and we're going to tell her mom that i kicked her because she threw a brush at my head. but then we were like, if i kicked you so hard, you would have a mark. so we needed to give brittni a mark like i kicked her. we decided that i would hit her in the leg with a stick, but she was too scared and needed someone's hand to hold. so we went and got danny. so we did that, and then he was stupid and forgot to lock his front door. so we had to drag our asses back up the hill and go lock the door. we picked up craig, dropped off danny, and then came back here. then we drove brittni home... and craig was being an idiot and wouldnt get in the car. so he had to walk... lmfao. hes so cute. god damn... i want him so bad. i dont care if he would be thinking of brittni the entire time. i want him so bad... *sigh*

that was this weekend. and now i have a shitload of homework to do. damnit. i just wanna sleep. bleh. oh well. tomorrow, i just want to die. i hope i dont wake up from my sleep. im so mad, because valentines day is the most commercialized of the holidays, and it still gets to me more than any other holdiay. ugh... GOD FUCKING DAMNIT. I HATE VALENTINES DAY.

if i dont post tomorrow, its because valentines day got to me, and i killed myself. :) adios, homies. heheh.

[song? awakening- by umm... i dont know.]
[mood? sad and alone]

yeah. so here's why im sad. so i like craig. craig likes brittni. brittni likes hector. and hector is... not around. a bunch of girls like craig, but he doesnt want them. i have way too much competition. brittni wont go out with him. and normally, in this type of situation, i would just say 'fuck it' and forget about him. but brittni said something that keeps my hopes up. :(... she said that whenever he has a girlfriend, he totally forgets about brittni and focuses on his girlfriend. -sigh- me and my silly girlish fantasies.

yeah. people were asking me if i was going to go to the valentines day dance... and i said i would go if craig asked me. they laughed, and i was like, "well, its not going to happen, so thats pretty much a 'no, im not going'". so today, i sold my ticket to the dance for 10 cents. sad... this girl mona like... loves me now. i let her get out of lunch detention one time, because this guy was going to ask her out. he asked her to the valentines day dance, but she wasnt eligible to go because she had some bad behaviour grades in her classes. so i was nice, and i bought her a ticket under my name. its weird to think that if it werent for me, her guy and her wouldnt be going out at all. like... if i hadnt let her skip lunch detention or bought her a ticket. -sigh-

i hate valentines day.

i miss new jersey. if i were there, i would have just asked francis or sammy to be my valentine. or even ryan. technically, brenna is my valentine, but im sure she would have understood if i had already had a valentine. but alas, i dont. and on monday, i dont think im even going to go to school. i might just... shrivel up and die. yeah. that seems like a good plan. then, not only do i not have to deal with valentines day, i dont have to deal with rejection.

-sigh- im going to go try to draw my sadness. :'( maybe this depression will at least give me some artistic inspiration.... hey, at least im trying to see the good side to all of this. sometimes, i hate being positive. i hate positive people, and i hate how they're always right.

i need a new keyboard. this one is really pissing me off. i cant capitalize, make exclamtion points or question marks, and i cant make the number one. ugh. -burns her keyboard-

*continues typing on the ashes that were once her crappy keyboard*
well... thats all for my problems today, peoplez. i at least hope you had a good laugh... maybe then my blog title would finally make sense.

*imagines her lonely valentines day, and runs off crying*

[song? trash]
[mood? moodless]

your feelings, i cant help but rape them.
im sorry, i dont feel the same.
my heart inside is constantly hating.
im sorry, i just throw you away.

i dont know why im so fucking cold,
i dont know why it hurts me.
all i wanna do is get with you,
and make the pain go away.

im sorry, but made is one of the most annoying shows ever. again, its one of those nonmusic shows thats on mtv. which doubles its actual annoyance factor. -sigh- and just when i thought mtv couldnt sink any lower, made happened.

so i was talking to brit today. she says that since i like craig, i would love his brother danny. apparently, they look exactly alike, except danny is hotter.... i dont know how thats possible, to look exactly alike but one is hotter, but brittni says i just have to see for myself. i'll probably meet danny sometime this weekend. hoprefully we'll catch up with craig and jeremy too. i wanted to rent the butterfly effect this weekend. b says its good. alina saw it... she liked it too. aghit. im like... the only one on the face of the entire planet who hasnt seen it.... geez.

yeah. so today, i was so proud of myself. i actually did my own makeup... and it didnt look totally awful. brittney a. even said i looked 'so pretty' in homeroom. i was like, awwww, thank you! i just felt hot today. lol.

man, i miss jeremy. i wish he went to gleason. -sigh- hes so sweet. the world needs more sweet guys. theres not enough of them left anymore.

well... im going to go do my homework. bleh. its already eleven.

[song? did my time- korn]
[mood? thoughtful]

its the nature of the human race to be insecure. some people are outwardly confident. but they're the most insecure ones of all. society tells us it's impolite to be arrogant.. overconfident. but that's what we really need. we need more confident people.. people who believe in themselves. im sick of everyone relying on everyone else. self-sufficiency people. you're not as flawed as you think... especially in comparison to those people you think are perfect.

anyway... i still want craig so badly. it feels so great to just have a crush on someone again. the last two people i had crushes on... either hurt me badly, or turned into complete assholes.... not such a great track record, huh? yeah. i dont think so either. third times a charm? somehow.. i doubt that too. oh well. i'll get over it eventually.

i hate lying but i cant help it. whenever i dont think anyone will find out about my lies, the always do. -sigh- i blame this on my father.

im beginning to believe that california is killing me. maybe it is. maybe it isnt. but being trailer trash with someone like craig suddenly doesnt seem so bad. maybe its just a phase... god i hope so.