its been a while.

[song? "finding out love is blind"- louis xiv]
[mood? meh. dunno.]

its been a while since i've blogged. i got all wrapped up in xanga.

wow... i've been looking at all my old posts. shiit. i've changed so much since then. it's ridiculous. it's almost scary.

i realize how much less nice i am now. now, i'm only nice to people who i think deserve it. i'm not as arrogant, but thats because i don't have as much reason to be anymore. i think i'm getting a few B's this semester. i have so many more temptations now. i'm not so innocent anymore. (was i really ever that innocent, though?) i'm more moody. more judgemental. i dunno. to be honest, i wish i was the way i used to be. oh well.

brit just called me up. she had a quote for me. i told her a while ago that i didnt like who i've become. the quote was

"The fastest way to ruin your life is to live for today at the cost of tomorrow."

yeah, thats my new motto. it's too true. after she told it to me, she said she wanted me to think of that every time i was going to do something that i might find regrettable.

yeah. eh. whateva. i think i'll be blogging here more often. i like the fact that i have no readers anymore. there's less pressure.. lol.

[song? awakening... i forget who its by.]
[mood? bored]

well... i've decided to give xanga a try. if you want my xanga, im me. if i dont hate you, i'll give the url. heh.

i may come back to blogger. i may not. its weird... i feel a type of loyalty to blogger. i mean, it's been with me through everything. my good times, my bad times, my crazy times. i wonder if i'll really leave it..... nah. i wont. if anything, i'll just post less.... and keep them both. yeah... thats what i'll do. :)

well... on to xanga. catch ya later.

[song? bleeding mascara- atreyu]
[mood? eh.]

okay. so valentines day wasnt as bad as it could have been. i got a candy gram. kayleen went up to craig and told him that i liked him. he already knew. i thought brittni was joking when she said he already knew. so yeah... when i saw kayleen going to tell him, i ran. i've never run so fast in my life... they only caught me after surrounding me and stealing my bookbag... i wouldnt have come back for it if my cell phone hadnt been in it. but craig didnt care. kayleen said he said i was cool. or that he liked me or something. brittni said the same thing. but... they lie. i think. whatever. it just... wasnt as bad as it could have been.

i feel bad for brittni though. she doesnt have a valentine... and she's grounded. and we're not sure if danny actually likes her, or if hes doing it to prove to craig that he could have her if he wanted. poor craig. -sigh-

well... i think brittni and craig are making me racist. lmfao. nah, i kid. its just easy to see their point. in new jersey, no one even brings up that subject. but here, its like, we're proud to be white, and we wont take shit from anyone who isnt. i've never been exposed to their kind of thinking. they dont actually mean it, but they do it for the reputation. it doesnt stop them from being friends with jeremy or marcus. but... it does make them seem pretty badass. lol...

i cant wait til this weekend. brittni better not get another day of grounding. or else my weekend will be ruined too. i already have to go to this stupid barbeque on saturday. but... maybe hot guys will be there. lisa did say she had a son. ;)

oh well. happy valentine's day... or as kelly likes to call it, Single Awareness Day... -sigh-

[song? down with the sickness- disturbed]
[mood? i dont know...]

god.. i hate valentines day. i hate it. fuck valentines day. fuck valentines day. fuck valentines day.

okay. so yeah. anyway, brittni was here yesterday and today. yesterday, we just fucked around. and then we finally got bored as fuck and called craig. but that shithead was at the mall... so brittni called danny- craig's 17 year old brother. it was funny. danny wants brittni too. so he finally got picked up, and then brittni called him and they had phone sex, while i tried to sleep, until like... four in the morning. it was so fucking funny. brittni woke me up cuz i was 'moaning' in my sleep. lmfao... they kept teasing me about craig, so i said that danny smelled like a nigger. lmfao. he was so pissed today. he's really scary. even though craig is bigger than him, danny is scary as hellll. hes a silent and broody.. he doesnt take shit from anyone. but luckily for me, neither of them hit girls... or else they would have beaten me so badly a loong time ago. yeah. so that was yesterday.

today, brittni was being an idiot, and she thought it was craig or danny calling, so when she picked up the phone, she was like, 'motherfucker! oh... hi mom.' her mom got pissed and brittni got grounded. so we made up this lie, and we're going to tell her mom that i kicked her because she threw a brush at my head. but then we were like, if i kicked you so hard, you would have a mark. so we needed to give brittni a mark like i kicked her. we decided that i would hit her in the leg with a stick, but she was too scared and needed someone's hand to hold. so we went and got danny. so we did that, and then he was stupid and forgot to lock his front door. so we had to drag our asses back up the hill and go lock the door. we picked up craig, dropped off danny, and then came back here. then we drove brittni home... and craig was being an idiot and wouldnt get in the car. so he had to walk... lmfao. hes so cute. god damn... i want him so bad. i dont care if he would be thinking of brittni the entire time. i want him so bad... *sigh*

that was this weekend. and now i have a shitload of homework to do. damnit. i just wanna sleep. bleh. oh well. tomorrow, i just want to die. i hope i dont wake up from my sleep. im so mad, because valentines day is the most commercialized of the holidays, and it still gets to me more than any other holdiay. ugh... GOD FUCKING DAMNIT. I HATE VALENTINES DAY.

if i dont post tomorrow, its because valentines day got to me, and i killed myself. :) adios, homies. heheh.

[song? awakening- by umm... i dont know.]
[mood? sad and alone]

yeah. so here's why im sad. so i like craig. craig likes brittni. brittni likes hector. and hector is... not around. a bunch of girls like craig, but he doesnt want them. i have way too much competition. brittni wont go out with him. and normally, in this type of situation, i would just say 'fuck it' and forget about him. but brittni said something that keeps my hopes up. :(... she said that whenever he has a girlfriend, he totally forgets about brittni and focuses on his girlfriend. -sigh- me and my silly girlish fantasies.

yeah. people were asking me if i was going to go to the valentines day dance... and i said i would go if craig asked me. they laughed, and i was like, "well, its not going to happen, so thats pretty much a 'no, im not going'". so today, i sold my ticket to the dance for 10 cents. sad... this girl mona like... loves me now. i let her get out of lunch detention one time, because this guy was going to ask her out. he asked her to the valentines day dance, but she wasnt eligible to go because she had some bad behaviour grades in her classes. so i was nice, and i bought her a ticket under my name. its weird to think that if it werent for me, her guy and her wouldnt be going out at all. like... if i hadnt let her skip lunch detention or bought her a ticket. -sigh-

i hate valentines day.

i miss new jersey. if i were there, i would have just asked francis or sammy to be my valentine. or even ryan. technically, brenna is my valentine, but im sure she would have understood if i had already had a valentine. but alas, i dont. and on monday, i dont think im even going to go to school. i might just... shrivel up and die. yeah. that seems like a good plan. then, not only do i not have to deal with valentines day, i dont have to deal with rejection.

-sigh- im going to go try to draw my sadness. :'( maybe this depression will at least give me some artistic inspiration.... hey, at least im trying to see the good side to all of this. sometimes, i hate being positive. i hate positive people, and i hate how they're always right.

i need a new keyboard. this one is really pissing me off. i cant capitalize, make exclamtion points or question marks, and i cant make the number one. ugh. -burns her keyboard-

*continues typing on the ashes that were once her crappy keyboard*
well... thats all for my problems today, peoplez. i at least hope you had a good laugh... maybe then my blog title would finally make sense.

*imagines her lonely valentines day, and runs off crying*

[song? trash]
[mood? moodless]

your feelings, i cant help but rape them.
im sorry, i dont feel the same.
my heart inside is constantly hating.
im sorry, i just throw you away.

i dont know why im so fucking cold,
i dont know why it hurts me.
all i wanna do is get with you,
and make the pain go away.

im sorry, but made is one of the most annoying shows ever. again, its one of those nonmusic shows thats on mtv. which doubles its actual annoyance factor. -sigh- and just when i thought mtv couldnt sink any lower, made happened.

so i was talking to brit today. she says that since i like craig, i would love his brother danny. apparently, they look exactly alike, except danny is hotter.... i dont know how thats possible, to look exactly alike but one is hotter, but brittni says i just have to see for myself. i'll probably meet danny sometime this weekend. hoprefully we'll catch up with craig and jeremy too. i wanted to rent the butterfly effect this weekend. b says its good. alina saw it... she liked it too. aghit. im like... the only one on the face of the entire planet who hasnt seen it.... geez.

yeah. so today, i was so proud of myself. i actually did my own makeup... and it didnt look totally awful. brittney a. even said i looked 'so pretty' in homeroom. i was like, awwww, thank you! i just felt hot today. lol.

man, i miss jeremy. i wish he went to gleason. -sigh- hes so sweet. the world needs more sweet guys. theres not enough of them left anymore.

well... im going to go do my homework. bleh. its already eleven.

[song? did my time- korn]
[mood? thoughtful]

its the nature of the human race to be insecure. some people are outwardly confident. but they're the most insecure ones of all. society tells us it's impolite to be arrogant.. overconfident. but that's what we really need. we need more confident people.. people who believe in themselves. im sick of everyone relying on everyone else. self-sufficiency people. you're not as flawed as you think... especially in comparison to those people you think are perfect.

anyway... i still want craig so badly. it feels so great to just have a crush on someone again. the last two people i had crushes on... either hurt me badly, or turned into complete assholes.... not such a great track record, huh? yeah. i dont think so either. third times a charm? somehow.. i doubt that too. oh well. i'll get over it eventually.

i hate lying but i cant help it. whenever i dont think anyone will find out about my lies, the always do. -sigh- i blame this on my father.

im beginning to believe that california is killing me. maybe it is. maybe it isnt. but being trailer trash with someone like craig suddenly doesnt seem so bad. maybe its just a phase... god i hope so.

[song? silhouettes- smile empty soul]
[mood? mad at the stupid gamers]

video games are brain rot.

mmmmmmmm- craig. skins, baby. and no, im not high.

georjeanna came today. its gunna be a goddamn coochie fest with her around. ugh. i need to be out of the house as much as possible for the next week. helllooooo brittni's house! :)

i got my cell back from kayleen. im so happy. jessa and celly together at last. how'd you ever learn to phoney call so fast?

email and lappy together at last, how'd you ever learn to scribby scroll so fast. lmfao. homestarrunner.com. its the shit.

--sigh-- craig. i wonder if i'll ever get with him... i dont think i could. hes too... perfect?

[song? home- three days grace]
[mood? out of it]

brittni spent the weekend with me. she went home like... an hour ago. jeremy and craig are the shit. i feel bad for jeremy sometimes.. because brit and craig give him so much shit about being black. lol. those damn skins.

well.. my room is almost finished. thanks again to brit. almost all the painting is done. im going to go get a futon sometime. then my place will be the ultimate party pad. cuz like... almost everything in my room is a chair.

my throat hurt before. but now its just burning after the two hits i took off that damn camel.

dan is being an ass. im so sick of pathetic depressed bastards. they should just get it over with. brittni's cool because even when she's down sometimes, shes usually really happy. and craig is learning the hard way about how i react to things about suicide. he keeps getting slapped. lol. hes so cute though. i cant hit him that hard. plus... his hair is so soft. tall... blonde... blue eyes... hott. oh well... theres alot of hot guys here. and they arent polish. yay.

[song? track 9- the sickness- disturbed]
[mood? weesh]

so im here. brittni spent the night. we're painting now. yesterday was so much fun. until jeremy went crazy and freaked us out with jahobo apocalypse theories. it was scary. brittni was almost crying and we were all cold and fucking freaking out because there was a scary ass cat/tortured little girl that was screaming somewhere near by. so we were all scared as hell. it was so pathetic. brittni's a skinhead and and she wouldnt kiss this guy because he was black. lmao. and then craig was being pathetic and cold. and... my mom let us smoke in the backyard. ;o i would get with craig. but its so obvious that he likes brittni. hmm... i'll get him. sometime.

so anyway. we called dan last night. he sounds like a fucking 11 year old. lmfao. so now im trying to avoid him like the plague. hes such a goddamn dork. brittni says he looks like a 23 year old child molestor. he probably is.

britt cut my hair. we're going to dye it sometime. bleh. its going to look good.

i need to go shopping. i need some new clothes and some shit for my board. i hope i get good grades... i need the money.

so thats it. bye bizotches.

[song? boiler- limp bizkit]
[mood? lmfao]

Who's gonna be your guy?
Created by gayphreak and taken 24917 times on bzoink!
Your name
Your gender	malefemalebothneither
Does size really matter?	YesNoOnly if we screw.
How old are you?
Your guys name is	Mike
His hair color is	Black
His eye color is	Green
He is:	October 28, 1919
His tool size is	12
Create a Quizlet | Search Quizlets | Go to bzoink!

^^^my dream man^^^ lmfao

[song? a place for my head-lp]
[mood? so sad]

god... i havent listened to linkin park in forever. i just found my old hybrid theory cd that went missing for AGES. so... now im listening to that.

anyway... im so sad. i keep crying. i love my new friends... they'll never replace the old ones though. but i hate it here. i hate it so much. i want to die. i would do anything to go back to clifton. i want my friends. i want my people. i want to be Jessa again. not "that new girl". i hate it so much. i dont belong here. i belong with jamie and becca and sammy and francis and brenna and michelle and emma and alina and EVERYONE ELSE in new jersey. i belong at WOODROW. and next year, i'll belong at CHS. i belong with good clifton people... people who dont do drugs and have sex. people who know what respect is. TEACHERS that love to teach. i belong in the snow. i belong at the general cinemas in clifton commons. i dont belong here...

i want to die. im so mad... my mom moved me away from my friends... all the people i LOVE. now she says she doesnt mind moving back. why would she bother moving me if she didnt hate it in clifton? ugh.... i hate it. i hate it. i hate it.

at first, i was excited... because i assumed mom would only move me somewhere as good as clifton... how wrong i was. we almost moved into a ghetto.. i had to beg and argue so that we didnt.

the last time i cried and i WASNT manipulating someone, was when i said goodbye to everyone at woodrow. but before that... i dont even remember. god.. i hate crying. i hate it so much. my eyeliner is in those horrid wet lines down my cheek. my nose is red. and my eyes have that tight feeling that you get right after you cry. my mom is freaking out. but thats what she gets. she better be goddamn happy. at least i wont have done this for nothing. she just better hope that i dont get peer pressured into smoking or something.

i want to make clear that nothing happened to me to make me feel this way. i've felt this way since i started school, i've just kept it to myself until now.

im going to go drown my sorrows. how, i dont know. but... i'll find some way.

i dont know why anyone reads this. its a load of drama BULLSHIT that no one needs.

bye.

[song? hot dog- limp bizkit]
[mood? ...im in a state of MOURNING]

okay. no one died. but marcus got EXPELLED. *tear* WHO WILL I GO ASS GRABBING WITH?!?!? *R.I.P. MARCUS* yeah... so he got in this verbal fight with a black chick. he called her a fucking n*gger. but... HES BLACK TOO. the only reason he got expelled was because she called her father. its a bunch of BULLSHIT. im so sad... i make another friend, and what happens? HE GETS EXPELLED! who's going to keep me warm when it rains!??!? im so SAD....

but in better news, ITS JAMIES BIRTHDAY TODAY! WEEEEEEE! she says she feels old... lol! what a weirdo! im going to send her a birthday email... XD its going to be a pocker! or... a lortrait! (a combination of a locker and a portrait)

so yeah. im going back to my clifton homies in july. im thinkin of takin a flight back to nj with alina. but... im BEGGING jamie, becca, francis, emma, and ANYONE ELSE who will take me in, if i can stay with them. because my mom doesnt want me to stay with alina, and alina knows why. (because im going to talk to her about it when she gets her tushie online!) so i need to stay with someone. i dont want to stay with dorian because dorian wouldnt let me out of the house. remember folks, dorian accused me of being a HO! she thinks i sneak out and have sex all the time. its crazy. so im going to beg people if i can stay with them. im going to try and stay with more than one person while im there, so that im not too much of a burden on any one of my friends. :P

i was just talking to becca... and i think im going to DIE. francis might move before i can come to visit. and i cant visit earlier, because jamie will be in italy. dont you SeE!?!?? IM BEING FORCED TO CHOOSE BETWEEN JAMIE AND FRANCIS!!! *dies because she cant handle it* on one hand, jamie is one of my BESTEST GIRL FRIENDS IN THE ENTIRE WORLD! and on the other hand, FRANCIS IS ONE OF MY BESTEST GUY FRIENDS IN THE ENTIRE WORLD! and francis is MOVING! so i might never get to SEE him again! but... its JAMIE!!! I CANT CHOOOOSE!!!!!!!!! *dies*

thats such a depressing thought... im going to go sleep... or something. :(

bye peoplez.

[song? the crimson- atreyu]
[mood? bloody COLD]

yeah. so i didnt blog yesterday. not much happened at school yesterday. it wasnt sunny in sunland. it was rainy. and because we go outside to get from class to class, we were soaked. especially at lunch. it wasnt warm rain either, and brittni was missing at lunch. so marcus and i ditched her stalkers and went off to talk to his friends. he's so sweet. he could tell i was cold, so he hugged me. we spent the rest of nutrition hugging. lol... isnt that sweet? awww. i think it is. and its doubly good because not only was it sweet, it was WARM. i feel loved. he even did that thing, where you breathe hard into your clothes, so your breath makes them warm for me.

brittni showed up later at lunch. and kelly started bitching to kayleen and i about how "mean" brittni was. pft. bullshit.

other than that not much went on. oh.. and i decided i dont like the guy with the flesh tunnel. hes a dork. :P

so today.. i didnt do much. i woke up early (10:30) and painted. now one wall in my room is deep gold, while the rest is the gross old lilac color. i cant wait until i get the crimson color up. its going to be fantaculair. the plumber came and is hooking up the new washing machine. im ridiculously happy about that. i missed being able to do laundry in my own home.

when i finish blogging, i think i might go on habbo hotel... or maybe i'll do some drawing. any requests for a cartoon character i should draw? or anything else you want me to draw? if i can, i'll draw it and email it to you... boredom does weid things to me, like opening a drawing request. im a bit sick of drawing zim and gir. i still have to color a buttload of zim drawings... but im too lazy. :P maybe i'll just force myself to color those.... but whatever.

*sigh* the house is so cold :(... *uses her telekenetic powers to turn up the thermo* there... MUCH better. :D

eh.. i guess thats it. kind of an anticlimactic finish... oh wait.. no theres the revised list of ppl who miss me! >>>

people who miss me:
ryan. francis. becca. ALINA (not ace! grr).

doesnt "ace" make alina seem like a middle aged conman? it does to me... lol

im going to go.... ciao

[song? blood- papa roach]
[mood? fucky]

yeah. i dont know how my mood is fucky either. i have no idea what fucky means... i just havent said it in a while... and i thought i should. :D

snowball got groomed... she looks like Pinky from Pinky and the Brain. its hilarious.

yeah. so life is good. very good. marcus and brittni love me. people know who i am now. i guess thats what i missed most about woodrow. recognition. i used to get nods in the hallways, messin around and screamin with people. here... i get occasional nods. and occasional screams. but its better than nothing. :P

yeah. so apparently i misunderstood something. im not even going to mention his name, as per HIS request. but he and i had an "argument" and so now, we're not even NOT talking. he's just talking to me LESS. yeah. thats what i thought too. i have no idea what that means... but whatever.

i dont IM people anyway. you know me, i let THEM come to ME. and then, im just like, "yeah. THATS WHATS UP BIZOTCH."

does anyone else think mark from real world/road rules battle of the sexes 2 challenge is hot? i do... im so mad that he didnt make it to the final 3. DAN SHOULDNT BE THERE!!! abram should be there too. the final three for the men should have been Mark, Abram, and Theo. all the others were weak. and im so mad that the guys won again. women really might be the weaker sex, and that just sucks.

okay. so im seriously considering piercing my lip. marcus did his, and it came out fine. or maybe brittni will do it for me. i dont really care, im just sick of being the only one without any real piercings. >:(

i hate taco bell... its gross. one day, when i rule the world, taco bell wont exist. neither will macdonalds... but burger king and wendi's will still be around. oh.. carl's jr and jack in the box wont exist either. subway will. my will has been stated, so MOTE IT BE!

star stickers. they're sparkley and cute. WHATS NOT TO LOVE?

and with that final thought, i'll catch youz on the flop side. and yes, i said FLOP.

[song? did my time- korn]
[mood? touchy. XD ]

i feel the light fall from me,
i feel the anger changing me.

lmfao. i love this song. i love the entire korn greatest hits cd. its good shit.

and that reminds me. my favorite emotion is now anger. its so much FUN! it makes me do such MEAN things! i love it... the disreguard for others, the contact of my fist with someone elses face, the warm fuzzy feeling.. my old fav emotion was having a crush, because the chase is so much more fun than actually getting your prize, but when you're mad, you can chase people too! XD

current list of people who miss me:
ryan. francis. becca.

so today was so hilarious. at lunch, marcus and i couldnt find brittni, so we just went off on our own, and went ASS GRABBING! HELLLZ YEAH. it was so funny. we just walked through the lunch crowd, pinching strangers' asses. i only grabbed hot guys' asses, while marcus just went for anyone. and while we did this, our arms were linked, so now everyone thinks im going out with him. :( marcus is cool and all, but i dont like him like that. :P so yeah.

the tagboard thing is actually becoming funny.... i have to reread things to see if it was actually me who said them. lol... :P but its true... mike dirnt is WAY hotter than tre cool. im sorry, but its true. hes FINE.

yeah. okay. so i like another guy. to hell with chris and ethan. im already sick of them, and i've only liked them for like... a week. lol. so this new guy, i dont know his name. but hes so.. HOTT. he has like... a 0 gauge flesh tunnel. those are so hot. but when they get really big though, they get creepy. he has adorable curly hair, and he always wears a hoodie. *sighs and gets hearts in her eyes*


with a kiss and a bow, im out like KA-POW! heheh...

[song? powerman 5000- action]
[mood? is cold a mood? :P]

i hate the stupid tagboard. im sick of people abusing the anonymity of it. but messages like francis's inspire me to keep it there. i love francis. he's my homie. im adding him to my long long list (lol) of people who miss me, as per his request.

people who miss me:
ryan. francis.

so anyway. the people here think im a genius. its hilarious, because they would be on like... a 6th grade level back at woodrow. can you believe this one kid acutally had the balls to ask how you spell "foreign". and then, no one else knew how to spell it. i was so sure everyone would laugh at him for asking. i almost slapped him. the people here in cali are stupid. and thats sad.

so izzy's mad at me. hes against abortion, and im pro abortion. and that brought about how i went back to athieism. so he thinks im retarded. because apparently theres "proof" of a higher being. my ASS theres scientific PROOF of a higher being. it cant be "oh, well SOMETHING had to start it all, so there MUST be a god" thats not proof. thats what people say when they're trying to justify their beliefs.

brittni is so adorable. she so nice. kayleen is crazy. she has the biggest personality in such a tiny shell. i love them. they're great.

well.... i bid thee farewell.

[song? brain stew- greenday]
[mood? cold]

Series 1-8
Created by andy and taken 13104 times on bzoink!
[ series 1 ]
Name	jessa
Birthday	4/14
Birthplace	australia
Current Location	california
Eye Color	blue
Hair Color	brown
Righty or Lefty	righty!
Zodiac Sign	aRieS.
Font	tempus sans itc
*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*
[ series 2 - your favorite ]
Music	rock. of all kinds.
Cartoon	family guy.
Color	red? or maybe black... hell. i dont know.
Car	subaru wrx.
Slushy Flavor	white cherry
Magazine	ym
TV Show	grouded for life
Song at the Moment	im not okay- my chem romance
Language	french
Spice Girl	scary
Food & Beverage	water-sushi
Subject in School	literature
Weekend Activity	sleeping
Frozen Yogurt	french vanilla
Roller Coaster	none... im an RC virgin.
*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*
[ series 3 - what is ]
Your most overused phrase	"wait... what?"
First thing you thought when you woke up	is anyone else up yet?
Last image/thought you go to sleep with	who i love.
First feature you notice of opposite sex	height.
Best name for a Butler	miles.
Wussiest Sport	synchronized swimming.
Your best feature	dunno
Your greatest fear	being alone.
Your greatest accomplishment	dunno.
Your most missed memory	my nj friends.
*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*
[ series 4 - you prefer ]
Pepsi or Coke	coke.
McDonald's or Burger King	bk
Single or Group Dates	group
Adidas or Nike	nike
Chicken nuggets or Chicken fingers	fingers.
Dogs or Cats	both.
Rugrats or Doug	doug
Single or Taken	taken
Monica or Brandy	brandy
Tupac or Jay-Z	jay z
Shania Twain or LeAnn Rhymes	neither.
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea	nestea
One pillow or Two	one
Chocolate or Vanilla	vanilla
Hot chocolate or Hot cocoa	theres a difference?
Cappucino or Coffee	cappucino
*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*
[ series 5 - do you ]
Shower everyday	yes.
Have a crush	yes.
Think you've been in love	all the time.
Want to go to college	yes.
Like high school	im in no position to say... yet.
Want to get married	yes.
Type correctly	for the most part.
Believe in yourself	depends on what with.
Have any tattoos? Where	yes. eyeliner.
Have any piercings? Where	yes. ears.
Get motion sickness	no.
Think you're a health freak	didnt used to be. but a lil now.
Get along with your parents	most of the time.
Like thunderstorms	yes.
*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*
[ series 6 - the future ]
Age your plan to be married	30
Number and names of children	1- Drake
Where will you be at age 20	in college
Dream wedding	nightmare before christmas wedding
How do you want to die	i want to be assassinated.
Dream job	ruler of the world.
Country you'd like to visit	new zealand
*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*
[ series 7 - opposite sex ]
Best eye color	green/blue
Best hair color	black
Short or long hair	short
Best height	6' +
Best weight	eh?
Best clothes	skater/skinhead
Best first date location	party
Best first kiss location	in the middle of a street
*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*
[ series 8 - other ]
Last time you slept with a stuffed animal	a few months?
Rings before you answer the phone	3.
What's on your mousepad	porky pig.
How many houses you've lived in	9
How many schools you've gone to	7 or 8
Bedroom carpet color	green
Shave your head for $5,000?	yes.
Stranded on a desert island. Take three things. No people	satellite cell phone. sunblock. laptop w/ internet
Best time of your life so far	last clifton school dance.
Create a Survey | Search Surveys | Go to bzoink!

[song? i love myself today- bif naked]
[mood? sad]

i met this guy. hes such a great person. but he's been depressed by his experiences and the world around him. Dan doesnt self mutilate or anything, he just looks forward to death. and when i think about it, i get depressed too. in the world we live in, true happiness is unknown. people work, they worry, they hurt each other. all this usually gets to truly wonderful people, and they end up hating themselves because they know they're a part of it all. and in the end, its all attitude. human nature will never change, despite all the hate and destruction in the world. so we will always have to strive for happiness. but working to achieve it is so much easier with a positive attitude. although the world is such a gloomy place, in the minds of the optimist, its filled with sunshine and cherubs.

i could be a depressed person. im fat, my father abandoned me, my mom resents me, and my brother is just myseriously absent throughout it all. my new friends dont know the real me, and my old friends arent here. i could make it seem like im alone to myself. but instead, im going to get to know my new friends better, im going to keep in touch with my old friends. my father doesnt know who i am today, or im sure he would love me. my mother will always love me, and my brother would like to be with us but he has his own budding family to take care of. im working to lose the weight. i have it so much better than so many other people. so im happy, despite things that could be negative experiences for some.

no matter how hard it is for you, someone has been through what you have, and probably had it much worse. be thankful for what you have, dont abuse it.

[song? between angels and insects- papa roach]
[mood? disappointed in myself]

i didnt do it. i ate. i ate a few chunks of lamb (i could feel the FAT sliding down my throat) and some garlic bread, and even some pavlova. i disgust myself. i should have thrown it up. i should have done it. im going to stay fucking fat forever if i keep this up. i need to be better about this. between all that food, and the slice of pizza i had earlier, i feel like a fat squishy PIG. i should just curl up and die. ugh.

but im also realizing things about myself, in the midst of all this self loathing. i know what kind of person i want to be, and what kind of people i want to have as friends/boyfriends. i realize how important others' opinions are to me. for everything i've ever wanted, i have to lose weight. or else my life might as well just stop right here. the only reason i want to continue is because im hoping it will get better when i lose weight. i've been fat since 1st grade. i was a BONEY. i looked like a little anorexic child. thats how i know i CAN be skinny. some kids are just pudgey even when they're little. and unfortunately for them, that means its their body type. but i wasnt always fat. new jersey did it to me.

but cali will fix it.

[song? Rev- puscifer]
[mood? panicked]

tonight my mom is having a dinner party. i cant be rude and not eat. its not an option. but i already ate a slice of pizza today, as well as two cans of juice. thats already about 900 calories. ugh.. i cant really eat anymore today! but not eating at this party is not an option. i dont know what to do! im scared of taking it a step further. i could eat... and throw up. theres a thing though. right now, im eating healthy. im not anorexic or anything, im just eating only when i get hungry. if i do this... then i really do have a problem...

but maybe just this once.

[song? knocking on heaven's door- guns n roses]
[mood? solemn]

ok. two things to post.

1- as my tagboard suggests, i've been having some issues. i figured i would blog about it because my blog is the only thing i can be honest with. because thats what blogs are for. HONESTY. but anyway. so i havent been eating properly. i gained weight since i came to cali. so... i wanna lose it. so... i dont eat as much as i should to maintain my health. you know how you feel good when you run a few miles? or when you do a punch of pulls ups? you feel like proud because you did something good for your body. well... thats how i feel when i dont eat. its only been for the past week or so. and i DO eat when im really hungry. im just careful about what i eat. i dont eat when im not hungry anymore. i dont think i have a problem. i just realized how much i ate before. and.. most of the time i was eating when i wasnt hungry. personally, i think im correcting a problem, not starting one (as Unknown thought). im perfectly in control, and theres no need to worry. im posting this for the sake of honesty. not as a plea for help.

2- i saw a girl i know get arrested today. brittni has known her for a long time. her name is haylie, and she smokes. as we were walking home from school behind her group, the cops pulled up and took away her cigarette. they searched her and all her stuff. luckily she didnt have any pot on her. brittni says shes a really nice smart person, her only fault being her smoking. i felt so bad for her. she has grace. when they handcuffed her and put her in the back of the cop car, she said nothing, but blew a kiss to her friends and told brittni she loved her. seeing the police car drive away, it was like she was never coming back. i know if it had been me, i would be bawling and begging. but she was so composed, save for a few silent tears that we watched fall as she looked out the window of the cop car. i truly admire her. despite her choice to smoke.

[song? downfall- TRUSTcompany]
[mood? warm and fuzzy inside, but freezing on the outside]

its 70 degrees and im cold. thats fucked up. but im warm inside.... so thats good.

i dunno why im posting... i just thought that everyone should know that im still alive and that california hasnt eaten me yet.....

oh... i feel sick. since wednesday i've been off. i didnt sleep for 2 days, then i slept for 27 hours straight. and i havent really been eating... and im all shakey. it kinda sucks.... but its my own fault... so i cant complain... much.

[song? danger zone-gwen]
[mood? im love?]

mph. so, i found this guy right. and hes so... my type. hes such a hot little metal skater boy. damn. *pout* hes got purple hair. and hes so adorable. sometimes hes shy, but most of the time hes loud and obnoxious. i *heart* it. its just so HOTT. lol, we'll go on a double date with brittni and andy. lmfao.... riiiiiight.

so.. ANYWAY. lol. i've been totally shaking. last night an this morning. i've been up for like.. half an hour. that means i woke up at 930 on a SATURDAY people. i dunno whats wrong with me. i didnt sleep for two days and then i wake up at 930? whatever. screw this. its whack.

the new house is always cold. mom likes it cold, i like it HOTT. lol... i mean i like the house to be warm... so im constantly cold in the house. usually im fine with a hoodie, but my hands and toes are always freezing. so yea...

apparently sammy is the only one who "misses" me back in nj... well.. no ryan misses me too.... i wonder if they talk about me.... like we all talked about jr.... i dunno.... we all talked about JR cuz he was like... the PERFECT GUY. and whoever reads this, dont tell jamie and becca. cuz they wont admit it, but they think so too. seriously. he was funny, smart, HOT (you cant even deny it), athletic, and rich. and even though he was an asshole sometimes, he could be really sweet. i almost felt bad for him when sandra dumped him for his voice. lol... and his voice was just normal too so... sandras crazy. lol. PLUS, he was italian. thats ALWAYS extra points. italians are lovable.

why do I still talk about JR? becuz hes that type of person. and i hope 2 years from now, all my NJ friends still talk about me. cuz i wanna be that type of person too, you know, the kind you never forget? cuz everyone, be honest, theres people in your life where when you get away from them, you're just glad to be able to forget them. i wont say names, but it wasnt any of my friends. im so glad to be rid of them.....

anyways.... this has been my first decent length post in a while... so im going to stop here. or else i'll just keep babling for the rest of the post.

bye people..

[song? i will play my game beneath the spin light- brand new]
[mood? lol]

if looks could kill,
my profession would be staring.

"i will play my game beneath the spin light" - brand new

[song? trash again.]
[mood? broody]

Your feelings I can't help but rape them.
I'm sorry I don't feel the same.
My heart inside is constantly hating.
I'm sorry I just throw you away.

-Korn "Trash"

[song? none]
[mood? shitty]

yea. so i woke up at 430. its 615 now and theres 45 min until i have to get ready for school. im fucking cold. and the house is quiet. im so sad. im missing everyones birthday. god its depressing. i miss them all. i even miss chris tietjen. and how whenever we passed in the halls i would tell him to smile... and he always did.

its TOO weird to be in a new place. im so used to just going to school and going to MY group of friends. and being MY weird self. here, i have to be all quiet... and polite. and all that shit until i have actual friends. here, i have to be happy when one of my classmates talks to me. its so gay.

oh, and ryan. im sorry. i should have followed ur advice. but i cant stay away from the surfers. theyre so damn hot! i know ryan doesnt read this. but i have to say sorry anyway. :P

well... im going to go try and get another 40 min of sleep before school.

IM OUT LIKE TYE DYE SHIRTS! pft... thats so corny. but true!

[song? trash- korn]
[mood? envious]


new idols! my two new idols are shirley manson of garbage and brody armstrong from the distillers. have you SEEN THEM?!?!? theyre FUCKING HOT. im going to loose a bunch of goddamn weight and then... YES.

thats my new goal. totally. and once i do that, my boyfriend will be someone like a younger tommy lee looking guy. and then, life will be good. :D

[song? taking it all back- count the stars]
[mood? umm.. my lips are chapped... does that count?]

i've had an epiphany. when i get older, im going to move to the village in new york and open another alternative store. i love those places. the village is probably the best place in the universe. there is no where like it.

screw the pet shop idea. my aunt brought up a good point. sure its cool to play with the animals, but your heart breaks when you have to sell them to people you know wont take care of them, eventually resulting in the death of the animal. thats way too heartbreaking for me. :(

[song? vitamin r- chevelle]
[mood? sleepy]


so... i love this song. i cant help it... its so goddamn good.

in other news- i called to britney. i got her gum and incense. shes happy cuz shes almost out of both. i might call her this weekend... cuz this weekend will be boring.

well... i havent been depressed since i left new jersey. its so good to be my old self. always happy... i hate it when some ppl bring me down. i needed this. a change is as good as a rest. if not better, because you dont have to go back. sure i'll visit my nj ppl but i'll have my cali ppl too.

i cant wait to get my new room set up. its going to be GORGEOUS. :D

l8r. i hate that. l8r. its SO gay. god... only losers say "l8r"

l8r pplz.

[song? silhouettes- smile empty soul]
[mood? tired]

so i got back to CA today. my comp is set up now. my cell number is still the same, but im going to change it soon. im happy, cut even though im sleeping on the floor, its not the floor of a hotel room. and let me tell you, hotel room floors are nasty. hell, it wasnt even a Hotel. it was a crappy MOTEL thing. it was big like a hotel. but it was more of a multilevel motel. thank god we're out of THAT hellhole.

so anyway. life is good. i have my very own tv! i know thats pathetic, but its exciting. and i finally have a cable modem....:D


until more shit happens-
ME!