[song? californication]
[mood? reminiscent]

sometimes its really not the accuracy of the memory. it's the feeling the memory brings about in you.

the first day i heard dani california by rhcp i found out i was leaving california. i remember feeling like the part of my heart that had been completed by finding love and happiness there had just been torn out.

i remember the day i was shrooming and walking down wentworth ave to my friends house... coming down and thinking about leo. i felt this love swell in my heart and it felt like my chest was going to explode from complete happiness.

i remember coming back to jersey and feeling these horrible hooks through my shoulderblades for months like i was being physically torn, dwelling on all the love lost in cali.

i remember when i was introducing some 25 year old guy that i was gunna go party with to my mom as my friend's dad... and feeling free and reckless and stupid.

i remember when brittni sat in my room crying and asking me why life was so hard.... and realizing that my life would never be as difficult as hers, and that i had to do the best i could to help people who didnt have it as good.

they're all overwhelming feelings attached to memories. feelings i never want to forget because they changed my life and the way i see the world.

[song? wrong line by jupiter one]
[mood? relaxxed]

just chugged a cocaine.
i'm relaxed now but i'm about to be hyper.
so.
this blog is back.

i did xanga.
and then that died.
i realized i was just creating this persona to please my readers.
i had started to keep a journal.
but i realize that this can be my journal.
i started out on blogger, && i'll end up on blogger.
it's love.

except i've truly changed as a person since i last decided to post here.
i grew up. my life has changed and so have my priorities.
fuck being a victim, and letting life just happen to you.
i'm going to be a good person. i'm going to take responsibility for the things i do.
a mistake isnt a mistake if you knew better before it happened.
&& i want to change the world.
[[just like every other fucking teenager]]

as of right now, i dont know exactly what i want.
i know that i'm happy. life might be mediocre, but i have amazing things to be thankful for and to look forward to, so i refuse to ever be unhappy in my life.
the world is a horrible place, but so much everyday good is overlooked & overshadowed by the terrible, unjust things that happen.

i live back in new jersey now, && i've got a great boyfriend and a great bestfriend here. but i will always miss california. when i moved there, i was pissed because i thought i moved into a low class, white trash town. and i did. but i had no right to judge the people there, because they're the most amazing people i've ever met. never have i felt to accepted without judgment or met people who were as sincere and fun-loving. i pity the people who will judge them without ever getting to know them like i almost did.

so that's a little of what i think and why i think it.
peace&&love.